RIP Muffin
by kazlene
Summary: A story dealing with one mare's blueberry terror, and another's muffin troubles.


" Eep"

That bright pink strawberry cotton candy tail was tickling right up my nose.

"TWITCHY TAILLLL! Duck and cover!" Screamed the other end of that seemingly endless mass of pink curly hairs.  
Ponyville, with all of its quirks, was just down right crazy some days. Such as today. Why in the hay did they even have hazmat suits and why in Equestria's green pastures are they necessary for just one of Pinkie's twitchy tails? Even little ole Tank, that turtle or tortoise pet of Rainbow Dash, was slowing pulling his body inside his shell, all the while humming some little song.I had given up on finding any sort of scientific reasoning or any shred of logic behind these random occurrences. Somewhere through my mind ran a random thought, something about how even a thin blanket could protect me from the up coming disaster. And that pink friend of mine's ability to fore tell these events were just...Argh.

I swatted the twitching pink cotton swirl out of my face, unable to properly even think myself into a headache being tickled up my sensitive purple nostrils. In fact it was started to go beyond ticklish and and aaaa

"ACCCHHHHHHOOOOOOOOO"

The stupid fluffy softeness battering its way against my sinuses finally got to me. I sneezed, and boy did I sneeze. My head swung back, and my purple mane, normally so neat and straight edged, flopped over my eyes and my proud horn straight into the air like a lance before a jousting tournament. Straight up into the air.

Plop

Of course whatever fallen object hit me. Of course my horn happened to be directly in the path of this unidentified flying object. And why do I suddenly smell blueberries. And why is it whenever Pinkie seems to get one of her crazy Pinkie senses it always, always affects me. Something purple and sticky slid past my eyes, almost right in between the two. I stiffened, trying to get both of my perplexed scientific, detail orientated eyes to focus on that, that, oh I hope it's not blueberry juice. It had reached my snout, leaving a dark mulberry purple trail in its wake. I snaked out my tongue, wincing, hoping beyond hope.

Oh please Celestia, don't let it be blueberries, oh anything but that. Kumquats, mulberries, boysenberries, raspberries, anything but blueberries.

My tongue seemed to reach the trail in slow motion and I watched, through one cracked eye, with a dread heavy heart as the two reached their destinations.

My eyes shoot open. It was the dreaded, most villainous of flavors. It was my oldest enemy. Blueberry. How I loathe even just that name, it just speaks loud and clear all the evil that lays inside that innocuous plump little berry. It irked me to no end that no one else, only me, in my great wisdom, could see beyond that thin layer of deep purple skin it uses to disguise its deep, dark, hideous secrets. I was teased endlessly as a filly by all the others, all those fools, but someday they will see, they will see!

I reared up, flailing my frontal hooves, trying to knock the offensive object from bmy horn before its tempting juices seeped into my brain and turned me in to a mind melted drone of evil. It was a muffin. A blueberry muffin. Those...masterminds. Those evil masterminds. They have invaded the baked goods. The muffin fell on to the dusty dirt road of the Ponyville market place, its insulting taunts just glaring at me, they sat they on the tan gold goodness of the muffin, those dark, almost black, circles offset by paler purple stains shadowing each and every villanous berry.. I smashed my hooves down upon their smirking little blueberry faces, smashing their juices into the dust. Cumbs of the muffin flew every where, one such chunk hitting me in the right eye.

"Die, you treacherous blueberries, die. I will not let you steal upon my friends souls, not today, not while a still have a breathe to use to fight this battle!"

"MUFFFFFIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNN!"

I grunted, satisfied I had smashed its vessel of evil beyond repair. I used a purple stained hoof to brush off the sweat from my brow, grinning at the sight of the blood of my sworn enemies upon my hooves. I lifted my head to laugh out my victory truimphant, and I noticed a civilian not cowering in fear. In fact she was standing kind of close. A bit too close for comfort. one of her golden eyes, glistening, staring right into my very soul, muffin searching, while her other eye swirled aimlessly about, not focusing on much of anything.

" Have you seen my muffin? I think I dropped it. I just k=dont know what went wrong. I was trying to get it from my bag"

I stared at the grey mare, her messy blonde mane shaking back and forth. She had a wane smile and i got the impressions she was trying not to look at the scene of my crime. I felt nervous. Something about those unnerving eye, well, unnerved me. What if the blueberry lords found a newer more powerful vessel.

"Maybe it just fell back in to my bag. I'm kinda clumsy you know"

The mare gave me a lopsided grim, showing in hger mouth a purple stain tooth of evil. She then turned her head around back and stuck her head in to the navy mail bag hanging on her side. Soon all that could be seen of her head was just her messy mane, even more mussed up by the disorganized searching of her bag. I blinked. Slowly.

"...My muffin is not there. Where is my muffin!"

The mare's head returned, this time the grin gone, instead murder glistened in those abstract eyes. She lunged.

"What did you do with my muffin?!"

Her hooves were around my throat, backpedaling became hopeless, I fell down, sending up a cloud of dust. Her hair started crackling with electricity, standing upright, I felt the hairs on the nape of my neck standing up in response to the close promixty of that power.

"Twilight Sparkle, my name is Derpy Hooves, you killed my Muffin, prepare to die!"

Suddenly the mare collaspes and her gripped laxed. I quickly backed up rubbing with a still stained hoof my neck where she had grabbed me like a possessed she devil. What in the hay was going on. Her head hung low, her straw colored mane blocking any view of her face. and then she looked up. Her face. It looked so much like adorable little Sweetie Belle's puppy dog face that she uses on her older sister Rarity. It was adorable. My heart melted.

"Pwease Twilight? I promise if you give me my precious, my muffin, back, I'll stop crashing into you when you are leaving Berry Punch's house. Pwease?"

It dawned on me that the mare seemed to be going through the five stages of grief at an accelerated rate. Over that muffin. She was on barginning it seemed and next would come...depression. I reassured myself that this whole nonsense would be over soon and then I could get back to my errands for the day and curl up with a good book or give a speech on the dangers of fraternizing with blueberries. After depression came acceptence after all.

Holy Celestia has this mare been taking lessons from Sweetie Belle? First the sweet little puppy dog look and now this. Her tears literally threw be into the wall of the nearest restuarant and pinned me against the wall. I couldn't make out a word she was sniffling over the hydrolytic force of the waves. I hoped beyond hope, more then I ever hoped before, that this stage would pass soon. This pressure was really starting to hurt.

"Here ya go!"

I've never, ever, been more happy in my life to see Pinkie Pie's bouncing behind. I don't know what she gave that mare but the pressure died sudden as if turned off by a switch.

"MUFFIN!"

My blood turned cold. Not again. Before I could react Pinkie Pie was next to me, wrapping a foreleg around be and I the same motion turning me in the other direction.

" Twilight in the name of sugar is with your hatred of blueberries?"

"Well, it all started when I was a little filly, still a blank flank."


End file.
